here is a short reason why i understand eating disorders so much...this really happened to me. i even thought about sucide...i didnt put it in here though.
05.21.07 (9:33 am) [edit]All of us have or had friends that we have wondered about. Who are they really? Is there something about them that no one besides their family knows? As we dig to figure out their secrets we think about our own secrets. Our skeletons that want to come out of our closets. My skeleton is ready to come out and so here is my story. I decided not to start from when I was little. All you need to know is that my parents always work and I barely saw nor got attention from them. By 3rd grade I was in my 1st full year of private school, but who knew it would also be the start of my nightmare. I had no friends while I was at that school except at 6th grade. I then had two friends and we were close. I also still didn’t have a lot of attention from my parents because of all the time they worked. It seemed like my brother Jeremy got all the attention. At the time I wanted friends so badly and I wanted to be noticed, so I stop eating. Of course the teachers and my family got worried but to me it wasn’t enough and I wanted to get revenge on all of them for not noticing me. This is only the start of my little adventure. By 4th grade my teacher Ms. Ide got worried and started making me eat in front of her. Whenever I got away and was by myself in the bathroom I threw it up and thought I am not finish yet. As I passed and went into 5th grade I started to be one of the most convincing liars you could ever meet. I got away with almost everything and I barely got in trouble. 6th grade was the highpoint and the fall of my life. I became a thief and got in the worst trouble. My lies were pliable and useless against anyone. I always got caught. I used to stay at my aunts house after school until around 6 pm for my dad to pick me up. That was until I starting to steal. I even stole from her house and it got to the point that I couldn’t come back till I was cured. So I went to a day care at school till 6pm. Then one day I was really upset and one of the two friends had then came up and asked me what was wrong and I told him my 1st grade teacher got sent to the hospital because after her father died she stopped eating and she had to get food pumped into her stomach. My friend told me that the same thing might happen to me and that he wasn’t go to leave and let me the lunchroom till I ate something. I did eat and then he told me before I go outside to take a hard good look in the mirror. I ended up seeing the grossest thing in my life. I saw a girl so thin that if she was wearing a tight shirt you could a little of her ribs through the shirt and she was also whiter then a ghost. I could not believe this sick creature was me. I ate since then not hoping I go back to that girl. I also realized Jeremy didn’t get as much attention as I thought he did. I also realized how easy it is to destroy trust and how hard it is to get it back. I also discovered that my parents work all that time so my brother and I can have a good life and be happy. 9th to 11th grade I started to overeat but now in 12th I actually am finally healthy. I’m Melissa Wright and my skeleton is now free.
how it feels
05.14.07 (9:22 am) [edit]Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You're inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness. When you finally realize there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one thing that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better. If it were only that easy! Some of us have been living with this, like this, in this hell for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us. It is our identity and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing without it we are nothing. It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on you can not see us, you can not see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get. In the beginning the control is easy and the high from it incredible. I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up everything I eat. I am in control. But somewhere along the road we lose that control and the eating disorder takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing it's voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud. We stop listening to anybody except our eating disorder. We believe we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable, and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will on some level make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food; they consume us all day long, and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough, thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more and it doesn't stop. You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand; we do not really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame. We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems. Death becomes a way out. Can't live forever with an eating disorder, can't live without it. It becomes the question we will ponder for many, many years before having a definitive answer. Do I want to live? Why? Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an eating disorder. You can not feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future. You look at the consequence and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable. And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold or being admitted is an eye-opening experience, but not usually enough to stop the behavior. Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered! To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close are eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing. Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this it's time for breakfast? No way we can eat after that disappointing morning. The day goes on in the same manor. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push our selves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep usually for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands and insults. Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder. We don't hate it all. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty, numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weigh loss. Nothing gets rid of feelings the way throwing up does. The disorder is the thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life. We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, sometimes we feel guilty receiving help, because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me". When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand, love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless, and never give up on us, the way we give up our ourselves. We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will tell you we don't need you and to leave us alone. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we can't, exercise, chew gum, drink Diet Coke…we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without. So be patient with us. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, therapist, or doctor; there will come a time when we realize what you have done for us. When we reach out for you and ask for help. When we will ease your burden and start to take care of ourselves. We will share more, smile more, and live more than you have seen us do in years. We may still have negative thoughts, be obsessed with food and body, and eat in a different manor than you, but we have taken a huge step in recovery and the rest will come in time. We may always have issues with food and body, but we now have outlets for out negativity and we know it is all right to ask for help. Just because our symptoms lessen does not mean we no longer need you. We will always need you.
almost giving up
03.02.07 (2:09 pm) [edit]i know i haven't written in here and i am sad about that. i had a ruff week. i got turn down by 3 publishing companies about my poetry=[. i mean i thought it was good enough but i guess i was wrong since 2 companies told me it was the worst poetry they evr heard. i mean what did i do to deserve it. i tried to shove my poetry book in the paper shedder (its the only real copy of my poetry besides my manuscript that i didnt save.) my friend caught me before i did it and told me i was an idiot and start banging me in the head with my book. she told me i am most likley be turn down by somebody and i should move on and try again. if anyone reading this knows any companies who publish books and do it for free plz comment and tell me cause i am going to push till its publish. Sincerly, Struggling Musican
why by mel wright
02.12.07 (4:53 pm) [edit]Why
The pain is near,
The pain is here.
My heart is crying,
My soul is dying.
Am I meant to be here?
Or am I meant to be there?
Why am I crying?
Is it because i am afriad I'm going to die?
Why do I cry?
Why do I see?
Why can't I,
Be who i want to be?
Why do you want to know,
What I know?
Why do you care,
If I swear?
Why do you care,
If this makes sense?
Why do you even care at all?
katrina by me (mel wright)
02.11.07 (9:03 am) [edit]Katrina
Based on NSRC trip to Mississippi
By Melissa Wright
Went on a trip,
To help all we see.
When we got there,
All our faces drop.
Some wanted to cry,
Some mouths went dry.
Some hid.
Some went inside.
I was one of those who cried.
Many places destroyed,
Looks like no one tried.
Many have died,
While thinking about this on shore.
When we were done,
We made improvement.
I was thinking ashore,
And thought nothing looked different.
My heart was screaming,
My mind was dreaming.
All still looked destroyed,
As people had looked devastated.
Again I wanted to cry,
Instead my actions were shy.
I acted like it didn't bother me,
But it bothered me more then you can see.
When we left,
We didn't want to go.
All the work we did though,
End up to definitely show.
I been back for 6 months,
It feels like 6 years.
I am going back to help,
Even if it takes me 6 more years.
gettin better at this
02.09.07 (8:18 pm) [edit]ok it has only been a day and im already getting better on here. today was such an amazing but horrible day. if you parents divorced while you are in high school then i know how you feel. my mom rag on me all morning about doing my gold award in girl scouts when she knows i don't want to do it. it should be my choice whether to do it or not. It isn't her choice. i feel like im in the victortian times where you don't have a choice what you want to do. everyone around you makes the choices for you. life is all about making choices and making mistakes and if you don't make them then how can you learn. i want to learn from mistakes and actually have a few then be told what to do and not make any. if i did that then i would be dumb and not know anything. what is the point of life if you can't learn anything? if you can't tell i repeat stuff alot and i did im sorry, i get easily frustrated=[. to let you all know though, i haven't given up hope and trust me on this i never will. so all you people out there who can relate, look me up. i am not going anywhere=]
my first day here
02.08.07 (5:51 pm) [edit]here until i undersand this more i'll tell you a lil bout my self. im almost 18 and im rly into music, poetry, and art. i am most likely the most sarcatic person you would ever meet but that is ok. im not a bad person. im always open meeting new people. if you would like to be my friend then i will say ok. this blog is for everone to read...wellexcept my family. they dont know i exist and they dont think i'll amount to anything to that is why i have this blog. i am here to share how i feel and to share my poetry. i also trust people to be honest to me on here and if the poem does suck....then tell me so i can do better next time. must go and go until im done homework.